Water on Mars!

Ok so this post is going to be the first of it's kind! For once I'm not going to talk about me!

We (NASA, not me) found liquid water on Mars! Wohoo! How awesome is that? How cool would it be if life existed on Mars?

(ok this is where it gets boring so feel free to skip)

This isn't just interesting scientifically, it's interesting philosophically too. So far every religion asserts, either though metaphor or literal interpretation, that humans were created by God on a world that's just right for us. I reckon Discovering life on Mars should silence these confident religions. Why would the Bible or the Quran leave that shit out?  I'm honestly curious about how many religious scholars will try and reinterpret passages in their holy books and claim, through creative use of metaphor, that it was always written that life was on another planet. I mean, lets face it, if science could silence creationism, it would have already done so - if discovering the true age of the earth and facts about evolution can't stop people believing that humans were placed on a 6,000 year old earth, then nothing will. Overall I'm both happy that science is pushing the limits further and further every day, and frustrated that superfluous religions are being dragged kicking and screaming right behind.

Smartphones

And today's rant will be oooooooooon...

Smartphones!

ding! ding! ding!

Everyone wastes so much time on their Smartphones these days! Nobody talks to each other anymore, they just fixate on a glowing screen in their hands for hours and hours. Sure, they provide instant entertainment, but at the cost of our humanity! We're all connected, but nobody is connecting blah blah blah blah blah...

What a bunch of bullshit. Smartphones are awesome. Sure they're expensive and their screens break easily, but it's totally worth it. My phone has been under repair for the last week, and it made me realize how much I need constant access to Facebook, BBC, Google Maps and Angry Birds. For the first time in ages, I was forced to read a book on the train to work! How primitive! The swiping mechanisms on a book just doesn't compare to the iPhone 6. Although to be honest, the battery life on the book was pretty outstanding. Oh and who cares if Facebook, YouTube and Smartphones are making us more antisocial? That's a good thing! It means more people will enter fields like Engineering and Mathematics at Uni! I reckon global social ineptness is a small price to pay for a personal jet-pack or extra bionic limb. Bring on the next generation of super socially stunted scientists! 

Now as y'all know, I'm pretty bloody awesome at predicting the future. (if you don't know, trust me, you will). I reckon the next Apple product to completely revolutionize society as we know it will be called: "the iHat". It'll be just a regular ordinary top hat, except it'll have the Apple logo on it and you'll have to squeeze it over your face to obstruct all your senses. Then you can buy basic accessories for $50 each like; a vaporizer that releases a puff of nicotine every 10 seconds into your nose, a tube that feeds the grease from a cheeseburger directly into your mouth, and headphones that automatically alert you when someone on Tinder is within 5 meters away! I personally can't wait! Brave new world, here I come!

Job almost over!

So right now I'm 25 years old and I have a job working at the Uni. Soon, I will be 25 years old plunging my arms into the dark corner of my pantry to find that last can of baked beans. That's right! My job contract is almost over! Wohoo!

I can imagine that a lot of people find brief unemployment quite intimidating and scary. Understandably so because most humans like financial security, a sense of routine and a topic of conversation to bitch or brag about at bars. 

Not me though! I'm going to use this moment in my life as an opportunity to go traveling. I'm already planning a trip around SE Asia in November and December. Then, depending on how much I spend on beer and crappy Vietnamese merchandise, I might have enough money to live outside of Australia! I'll organize my finances and stuff and then evacuate to a different country! America? Canada? Germany? Who knows!? If Syrians can get in, so can I!

I don't really know the best way to make an informed judgement about moving to another country. I mean there's so little I know about other countries! Sure the basics can be found easily; average wage, healthcare, culture etc. But what about the small things? Is Greenland really green? Are black Brazilians better at dancing than other Brazilians? What would tinder be like in Saudi Arabia!? Everyone wears burqas over there..

Also, how would I find a job in another country? I'm struggling enough in Australia. To maximize my chances I'll have to broaden my application range. I shouldn't focus too narrowly down the Engineering path; Architecture, Cooking, Accounting etc! I should apply for jobs in these areas too! There's only 1 problem; I am completely unskilled. Fortunately, there's 1 solution; do 5 minutes of research to find jargon for each individual professional field, then casually mention that word as often as possible (in or out of context) to your prospective employer. Here's what I've got so far:
1) Architecture: "feng shui"

2) Chef: "creme fraiche"

3) Mathematics: "Logarithms"  

4) Accounting: "Tax evasion" 

5) Neuroscience: "Neuroplasticity"

6) Teacher: "cognitive load" 

Actually, fuck it, I'll stick with Engineering. After all, it's the only thing I'm kinda sorta OK at. I guess it's a pity Engineering has made me as creative as a... as a? as something which isn't very creative. 

Marathon

I just did the Blackmores 42km Marathon today! I was worried about it for 2 reasons.

1) My left foot got injured 3 days prior and
2) The longest I'd ever run was 14km. (that's inverting the numbers and adding 1. Yeah, it's a big number.

I promised myself that I wouldn't care about the time as long as I managed to run the whole thing. A pretty stupid expectation to set on myself considering how little I knew about marathons at the time.

Ironically I didn't run the whole thing but I got a good time. 4 hours 6 minutes.

I stopped twice to walk for about 5 minutes. I couldn't help it! I found that once I hit the 20k mark, I wasn't running anymore, I was undergoing a controlled fall. So once my body slowed down enough to grab some water, I lost my momentum and walked for a bit. When I reflect back on it though, I think stopping and walking for small bursts actually improved my time because it gave me a chance to regain my breath, stay hydrated and devour as many energy gels as I possibly could. In case you don't know, energy gel is a gooey form of cocaine; except you inhale it though your mouth.

Overall I'd say the biggest thing I learned is that a Marathon is more of a mental game than a physical one. I found your body can run at an agonizingly slow pace for hours and hours, but it's your brain that makes you stop prematurely. Somehow you've got to tame your mind (which I think is best personified as an unemployed British hobo sprawled out on a sofa telling you to lie down and have a drink), and force yourself to stagger your way relentlessly to the finish line.

Jobs

About a year ago my parents gave me some invaluable advice about my blog.

"Don't mention anything scathing about your current job", they began, "potential future employers put a lot of effort into thoroughly researching applicants", they continued, "and if they perceive ungrounded pessimism in your blog", they argued, "then", they signed, "you won't get the job you want".

I've had some time to think about this and I've come to the conclusion that my parents are absolutely right. This leaves me in an awkward position because I'm afraid that at some point in the last few years I may have voiced frustration at my various jobs. Fortunately, however, my future employer (I'm guessing his name will be Charles), will stumble upon this post when performing his exhaustive background research on me. Consequently, this is a fantastic opportunity to make amends for my previous uncalculated emotional outbursts on my blog. So without any further adieu, Charles, this song is for you:

(Que soft sounding piano)
Charles I've got something to confess,
At some point in the last few years I
may have fallen victim to work related stress,
and in an act of delusional thinking I... may have told a lie.

I guess what I'm really trying to say
Is that I'm sorry about the way
I criticized the 9-5 working routine.
For you see the truth really is:
That I love working in a cubical all day
and staring for hours at my monitor display
I see now what I should have always seen
that I'm the weird one, not the biz.

(Que drums and guitar)
I'm sorry that I didn't believe
I'm sorry for what I used to perceive
I'm sorry that I had to apply for leave
For the last few hours of New Years Eve

I was fucked up in the head before
but the old me has exited out the door
It's the 9-5 not the 9-4
And it shouldn't be any less or any more!

I need to ask you for your forgiveness
This sedentary lifestyle is good for fitness
And now all I want for Christmas
Is to spend more time in your business

The best time to spend indoors is during the day
I don't want to be anywhere else anyway
Even when I've done all my work I'll still stay
Otherwise how will I be payed?

Projects that don't matter are really fascinating
And I never spend my time contemplating
whether I should focus on something more captivating
I'm not having a go, I'm just stating
That the work I do is really motivating

(Que slow flute)
I applaud any bosses decision
To pursue what they envision
And treat my ideas with derision

The 9-5 is traditional
Which is why it's nonsensical
To work any other way
So I'll suck it up and just have a g'day

City2Surf

I ran the City2Surf on Sunday. As always, it was a lot of fun and totally worth being immobile the next day. My phone malfunctioned (grrr sony!) just before the race so I can't be 100% sure of my time, but I think I got 1 hour 4 minutes and 59 seconds. I really wanted to dress up as Brave Heart this year, walk to the front of the line and shout out "FREEEEDOM!" as the gun went off, but my fear of being trampled got the best of me.

In between the giant voids of spare time I've had over the last 4 months, I've managed to fit in a few small 25 minute training sessions. I've also been putting some effort into eating better too! My standards in appreciating a good meal aren't much higher than the average domesticated dog, but where I lack for in skill, I make up for with enthusiasm. I've also wanted to cut down eating meat too! Sadly though, the only vegetarian meal I eat is cereal - but in my defense, I do eat a lot of it.

I've recently gotten in contact with a family friend, Stuart, who has kindly agreed to be my mentor. Even with his advice and contacts, I still haven't gotten any closer to finding a job though. :( One job field he suggested I look at was banking. I personally love the idea of using mathematics in a professional way, however I strongly suspect that the job won't be the ideal academic position I'm looking for. If I became a banker though, I could make ordinary deposits by day and steal money from the innocent by day! Muahaha. Against the advice I've acquired from a few trusted friends, I kinda want to travel to another country to work! The more travel, the better. My dream is to learn how to say "I'm sorry, can you repeat that?" in every language. One of my school friends, Paul, recently traveled to Japan to peruse his dream career. I really admire this move, although I wonder how strong the culture shock will be! Hmm, I wonder if Japanese people get culture shock traveling to Australia? They probably do. I wonder if Japan views Australia as the land of really cold toilet seats.

I've also been working a little more on my company too. Although, my constant battle for motivation is leaving the prospect of ever getting VirtuallyPassed off the ground pretty slim. In fact, I'm afraid my business will do as badly as the 'I love Sharia law' T-shirt selling business in America.

To battle this lack of motivation I've decided to get more involved with the community around me. I've recently started; looking at moving out again to areas like Bondi and Maroubra and re sending applications to join rowing clubs. I've also started making minor changes to my day as well. I've started drinking coffee and I've changed my alarm in the morning to the sound of a door creaking open to keep me on my toes! Once the paranoia wears off, I'm sure the motivation will kick in!

Getting a job

Gather ‘round children, let me tell you a tale filled with wonder, excitement, disappointment, judgement and mercy

Once upon a time a young boy found himself frolicking around his neighborhood, prancing from street to street without the slightest hint of suspicion. Don't let appearance fool you, though! The young boy had a grin on his face and jump in his step, but a worrying thought in his mind. For only hours earlier, the young boy had been at a nasty place called Knox Grammar! For it was at this place, filled with overgrown vines and perpetual thunder, that the boy was told a secret from his teacher. A secret, that once known, could not be unknown. Another student, a friend perhaps, had innocently asked this teacher

"my grades aren't good, will I ever get a job?".

The teacher crawled up to the boy and tickled his chin, then turned around and said on a whim 

"It's not about the grades you make, it's about the hands you shake."

Silence spread through the room instantly. The teacher paused, hesitated, then bellowed out

"It really doesn't matter whether your credentials vouch for you or not, all that matters is your reputation"

The children then started clapping and making a beat while the teacher continued:

"As long as you; look presentable, have a firm handshake and glint in your eye,

then the job shall be yours, I assure you, 

because that's how I got mine

For you see children, you don't need skills,

no, not at all,

but if you don't wear polished shoes, then prepare to fall!

Employers will skip past the credentials and go to the picture,

they'll see a while male and know not to hit 'ya

A suit is your best friend

It says more than a degree ever could

but remember, dear children

your real advantage is rich parenthood"

At this point the class burst into song with the teacher:

Class: "so you're saying we don't need credentials?"

Teacher: "That's right, just networking potential!"

Class: "but what if we're not fit for the job?"

Teacher: "That's what hiring minorities is for, you silly sod!"

The class soon ended and all the children confidently marched home. Our young hero, all the while, pondering the truth of the employment process. The young boy murmured under a whimper

"perhaps there is an employer somewhere out there

that will hire people regardless of what they wear

maybe, just maybe there's a company that

doesn't discriminate, and focus's on stat's"

And that is the tale of our young hero. Eight years later he works a nine till five, pondering to this day whether a moral employment system might still be alive.