Office Environment

I’ve finished my Schlumberger project. It was a challenging few weeks of number crunching and staring blankly at graphs, but it’s done! I think the working environment I’m in helped quite a bit. One of the huge advantages Schlumberger has over other companies is its blend between an office environment and a manual labor job. My general daily plan is to do work on my laptop until I feel tired, then get changed in PPE and head out to the workshop and watch stuff get built. This gives me two lives – the office Matt and the workshop Matt. My office alter ego is boring and predictable. I find myself falling further and further into a routine which involves;
1. Waking up at 7:20am and rushing to get changed and brush my teeth before the Taxi leaves (while simultaneously dreading the fact that I pressed ‘snooze’ a dozen times)
2. Heading to work and getting a really shit hot chocolate from the coffee machine
3. Sit down at my desk and start up my computer
4. Say a startled hello to the other employees who come in just as I begin to type in my password
5. Begin the inevitable ‘who can type the longest with your head down’ competition with all the other employees.
I noticed with my other internships that this type of routine can do wonders for productivity, but at the same time destroy the social part of you that makes you human. There are two things I hate most in this world; 1) when a Japanese man slurps miso soup really loudly in a restaurant, and 2) the social life in an office environment. My previous internship showed me that there is an obvious hierarchy among employees which involved ‘desk sitters’ at the top, ‘cubical chillers’ in the middle, and receptionists/ secretaries at the bottom. Consequently, a strange and unnatural social life evolves from this environment. The social life I’ve observed the most is the one between two ‘cubical chillers’. I feel like David Attenborough when I see it because it’s so unique. It’s a strange mix of; small talk and work conversation blanketed in a sea of small grunts of approval and faint laughs. It’s kind of like a normal conversation that’s been compressed into 1.5 minutes and disguised by a very forced sense of humor. The office laugh is the most iconic thing about it though – whenever two employees in cubical finish talking to each other they either let out a loud and quick burst of laughter or draw it out like an overly prestigious gentleman coughing out air…
My previous internship with Transfield taught me that a joke can be as unfunny as ‘prank defibrillators’, and you’ll still get that iconic office laugh.

Sometimes I feel like I can be a composer around the office. I could use the different sounds made by working employees to make a symphony. My first big hit would be this:
Sigh sigh sigh sigh sigh
cough cough
sneeze sneeze.
Frustrated typing, cough cough
Murmur, faint laugh

Watch out Beethoven

Anyway, enough about the past. How about the present? I was walking down Liardet St yesterday and I noticed the most pathetic street advertisement ever. It had written on it; “Taranaki – where family violence is NOT OK!” I wonder how many drafts they came up with before they ended up with that one. I’d suspect the only other alternative to this ad was:
“Taranaki – where domestic abuse is NOT PREFERED!”

I’ve decided to use my spare time at home to do something creative. I’ve decided to make a new meme that’s going to hit the world by storm. I decided to make a meme very similar to “Philoso raptor”, but instead call mine “Hypothepotamus”. And the picture is going to be a hippo wearing science glasses. Genius, right?

My name is Matt, I'm 22 and I'm living in New Zealand

I've given up trying to understand my roommate from Papua New Guinea. Even though we can't understand each other, it doesn't stop us from having conversations with each other. I've learned that I can say any meaningless drivel and he will laugh politely at it. Also, the one word I do understand coming from his mouth is the word 'shit' (which he pronounces as 'shieii'), which I always assume is the punch line of any joke he tries to tell. So I know when to laugh politely at his jokes too. He's a good bloke, but it's getting kind of difficult. Both of us just finished having dinner at opposite ends of the table. There was a 10 minute lull in meaningless, non-translated conversation where all you could hear was the awkward silence mixed with the sound of quiet chewing and cutlery lightly hitting the plates as we ate. It made me think of what a middle aged, bitter, loveless marriage would be like.

Aside from that, New Zealand is still really cool. The coastal walk is awesome! I went for a walk / hike for about 2.5 hours yesterday right along the coast in scorching hot sun wearing nothing but pants and a shit tone of sunscreen.

When I'm not having candlelit dinners or long walks along the beach, I like to go to the gym - wow, this is sounding like a pathetic online dating profile... I just bought a $100 gym membership which gives me 24/7 access. This is really good for me because I like the reliability of something being open in New Plymouth past 5pm…

Work is getting better. I've been given an assignment which is quite interesting. I can't say what it is specifically, but it's got a lot to do with theory and data analysis which I think is kinda cool.

Lastly, I'm still looking at youtube videos of the Lenovo x230t, the computer I plan to buy for next semester. In particular, I really want to gauge how well this laptop keeps up with handwriting. The last thing I want is to make a 1.5k investment in a machine that can't perform its main purpose. But youtube and Google reviews are pretty promising, so I think I'm probably going to go for it.

Oh! My Grandparents are coming to visit me in New Plymouth on the 19th! How badath is that!? It’ll be cool to finally have someone I can casually go to the bar with.

2013

Once again everyone above the age of 15 has celebrated the start of a new year with a hangover...

I'm sure that the; throbbing pain in your forehead, the smell of smoke on your clothes and the burning desire for bacon put a swift and decisive end to the unrealistic new year’s resolutions that you thought up just a few hours prior to the countdown. If this describes you (which I'm sure it does), don't be discouraged. Be comforted by the fact that someone out there was way more wasted, has a much larger hangover, and is waking up half naked in a pile of their own shit.

That's right guys. The next time you feel that you can't perform to the level society expects of you, just think about all the other dickheads (half the people you went to school with) who are doing much worse. Relatively speaking, you're a god.

Umm, ok, where was I? Oh yeah, I'm in New Zealand and 'working' very hard. Actually I’m still on vacation. For some reason New Zealand noticed that the rest of the world only gets the 1st of Jan as a public holiday, so somewhere along the line the New Zealand government decided to embarrass the rest of us by making the 1st and the 2nd pubic holidays. Take that everyone else! Personally I'm indifferent about the extra public holiday. Having another day off and looking at youtube videos reviewing different laptops is about as interesting as sitting at a desk and teaching yourself about the oil industry.

xmas

I took a 12 hour bus adventure from New Plymouth to Whangerei to surprise my parents for Christmas. I rocked up at a restaurant where my parents and my brother were eating, hoping to give them all the shock of their lives. It was a shame that the food hadn't arrived yet because I think my dad would have dropped a mouthful of food from his mouth just like they do in the movies. My mum was a lot more vocal about her surprise though - she gave a reaction that could have only been matched by seeing a puppy on the street.

I think a shout goes out to my Aunty Christine and Uncle Ron for being the inside operatives for the mission.

We all drove back to the country house which we were staying at for the week. There was not much to do, but the view was remarkable - right in view of the rough New Zealand waves. I think I was really living out a rich white kids dream by staying in the country house because it fulfilled so many bourgeoisie (yes, I did need to look that word up) stereotypes. Every bedroom had its own personal bathroom, there was a pool table, a personal bar in the lounge, and a Jacuzzi! The only thing missing from the house was; expensive whisky, cigars, and a large range of slightly differently sized top hats & monocles. Despite this and the 1920’s internet connection, I still had a really good time. My brother and I invented a new game called “death ball” on the pool table - a game where you have to throw marble balls across the table and sink them into the opponents two goals. We never kept score, but we still managed to measure who lost based on how bruised your hands were.

On the second last day in the country palace our uncle rewarded my constant nagging with a small fishing trip. We never left the harbor, but we still pulled out our rods and plunged them into the ocean (that’s not a metaphor, I promise). After about 20 minutes I caught a ‘alkfjas;l asd;k’ and had a photo with it. Shortly afterwards, I unhooked the fish and threw it back into the water so it could swim again. To everyone’s surprise however, the fish didn’t swim, it just rested on the surface of the water, bobbing up and down to the motion of the waves lifelessly. I was caught between feeling sympathetic for the fish and feeling proud in my ability to get a headshot with a metal hook.

On the last day I travelled home by taking a 6 hour bus ride from Auckland to New Plymouth. The bus ride back was OK. I hadn’t eaten much that day and my stomach had gotten very selfish after Christmas so I was pretty hungry on the bus. What made matters worse was that a 30 year old woman sat next to me while my stomach was grumbling and moaning for more food. I tried to act as nonchalant (yes, I also looked that word up) as I could by listening to my music and looking out the window, but it was very tough when your stomach was grumbling as loud and as often as a 3 year old throwing a temper tantrum. A solution was reached, however, when the 30 year old lady found a vacant seat further back in the bus right next to an obese teenager wearing a basketball singlet. Overall, the bus ride back was still better than the bus ride in – I didn’t have to pay attention to elderly women talking about their granddaughters and grandsons problems in school/ work/ life.

Overall, I think I had an enjoyable Christmas. It was nice surprising my family and socializing with extended family. There were a lot of memories created, but I think the part I’ll remember most about this trip was having a staring competition with a cow. “Ol’ spotty” lost the staring competition, but still put up a good fight.

Eccents

I think I’ve figured out the New Zealand accent. If you adjust every word with more than 4 letters by replacing every I with a U and replace every A with an E you will sound like a New Zealander. For example the sentence; “He spilled fish and chips over his pants” will get transformed into “He spulled fush and chups over his pents”. Another example would be; Stephen King lives in a vehicle near a bridge” would be transformed into “Stephen Kung luves in a vehucle neer a brudge”. To get the accent perfectly right however you have to say each word really quickly in short bursts while still keeping gaps between your words so that you can draw out the sentence as long as possible – kind of like how an impatient cave man would talk. Despite this, the New Zealand language still sounds kind of cool – I’d trade my accent for it any day. Also, because they only have 3/5 vowels, spelling would be a breeze! I’m converting!

I only wish my PNG (Papua New Guinea) roommates were as easy to understand as the New Zealanders. They’re really friendly but I can only understand about 1 out of every 20 words they say. I’m pretty sure they feel the same way about me because I asked them where the cutting board was and they chuckled politely as if I had told a joke and continued to stare at me.

OHH MY GAAAAAAAAAWWWDDD it’s been so long since I’ve been on facebook! I need to stalk my friends and strangers! I need to like random things and let the world know I like it! But most of all I need to get in contact with a few people so that I can organize events! This is nothing shy of an addiction. In fact, I’m pretty convinced that my computer releases a small puff of nicotine whenever I log onto facebook, hence explaining my insomnia and twitching left eye.

New Zealand

I finally did it! I finally had the most awkward elevator conversation ever! One other person got into the elevator with me on the ground floor, and just before she got off, I intentionally made painful small talk. About 5 seconds before she leaves the elevator I ask "The weather is really good today, isn't it?". I'll never forget the confused and bewildered expression on her face as she awkwardly staggered out of the elevator saying "yeah... it is".

Oh yeah, I'm in New Zealand too. My flight arrived early on the 13th Dec and the two other interns and I were dragged into the office in our completely sleep deprived states. The people working here are really friendly and surprisingly laid back. I came to the office expecting to be drowned in work, but there seems to be no work available to us. My manager, Charlie, told me that there is pretty much nothing to do until January at the earliest. So he told me to just walk around the site and learn how Drilling and Maintenance works. It's pretty exiting learning more about the petroleum industry, but I can't help feeling like a complete liability for the company. They are investing a lot into every intern and it seems like I'm unable to return the favor. Regardless, I'm doing as much as I can to use my free time to learn more about the industry. This will keep me occupied and also prepare me in case we get a new Client and business starts picking up again.

Other than that I really can't mention any more about Schlumberger. I signed a confidentiality agreement which prohibits me from talking about anything that might be of some use to a competitor. It's kind of frustrating because they still expect me to write a journal outlining my experiences over the next 11 weeks. First world problems, eh?

Schlumbergers hold on the internet is affecting me in other ways too. They've blocked facebook and won't allow me to download any programs (including Skype). So I won't be able to easily communicate with a lot of people while I'm down here.

Other than that, everything is hunky dory. The weather is beautiful and New Plymouth is a lot livelier than I was expecting. My cozy (tiny) house is located right in the heart of the small city so it’s easy to access bars, shopping malls etc. Not only that, but there is a beach about 15 minutes away. Unfortunately, New Zealand beaches are awful – they’re full of rocks and the sand is black. But the beach walk is still really pretty and rewarding.
I must have ordered Fush n’ Chups at least 10 times by now, but sadly no New Zealander lives up to that stereotype :(.
I’ve also started to notice massive parallels between New Plymouth and Lord of the Rings in anticipation of the release of the Hobbit. Mt Egmont = Mordor, Schlumberger = The big eye, Azlan (other intern) = Frodo, New Zealand woman = goblins.

The death penalty

For some reason western culture despises the death penalty as a method of controlling people. I can't understand why. There should definitely be a loop hole in the big book of law which says somewhere "the death penalty shouldn't be used UNLESS you're in a plane and stuck 5m away from a screaming baby. Then, by majority vote from other passengers, the baby may be a) strangled with the oxygen chord, or b) ejected from the plane via the poop shoot. Everything else about the plane ride is fine I'm in a good seat and every passenger has been given an ipad from duration of the flight. however this one baby has this inhuman ability to scream at a pitch which shatters your eardrums without any need to stop for air.
For those of you who don't know why I'm on a plane - because you've been living under a rock (or maybe you have your own lives) - I'm on a plane because I've got an internship in New Zealand looking after oil rigs n' stuff other than that you know just as much about my job as I do.
I arrived in Perth and met up with 2 other interns. One of them, Azlan, went to stay in a house for the duration of the safety induction course while the other intern went to to the ambassador hotel with me. Perth is surprisingly beautiful - there is a beautiful river only about 15 minutes walk away. I'm very pleased at the quality of the hotel room - its quite large and has all the facilities I could ever need - a fridge. The view is awesome too. I've got an amazing view of a garbage dump just outside my window.
Well that's all I'm going to write for this particular blog. I'm typing it on my phone at the moment which is a difficult task. I think I'm going to write my next blog after i have been given the Schlumberger computer after three days.