Update on my life

Surprisingly, I don't write much introspective shit on my blog. Well all that is going to change!

I've recently passed the 2 months mark since starting my thesis. My project is all about Atomic Force Microscopy (AFM) which is a device that is used mainly to scan the topography of a super small (like atom level, small) surface. The math behind it is fascinating and my thesis supervisors and really helpful and nice. However, I'm currently doing my literature review at the moment which involves reading plenty of papers and summarizing them. This is actually a much more challenging and boring job than I thought - it's a very inefficient way to learn and it's very hard to stay motivated.

None the less, my professor recently offered me a PhD position (4 years at $50,000 AUD) after my masters thesis is done. Because it's a highly sought after position, I need to make the decision within 2 months. Honestly, I think I'm likely to decline the offer, even though I love studying and hate the real world, simply because I want to trial the whole thesis thing for a bit longer before I commit myself to another 4 years of it. But while I've been tossing up the idea of doing a PhD, I've forced myself to confront my fears of the 9-5 and reevaluate my stance on the real world.

Anyone who knows me probably thinks I have an irrational fear of the 9-5. I can understand why; I talk endlessly about horrible work culture, the arbitrary rules, and the stupid clothing policy. However, I think it's time to open up and share with the world (or at least the 3 or 4 people who read this blog) why I desperately don't want to go back into the real world. But first! A quick summary.

Shortly after graduating from my bachelors, I rejected my fathers advice and got a job at UNSW as an 'educational developer'. The job was painfully boring and poorly managed. I would get most of my weeks work done by Monday, and spend the following week browsing Facebook. 2 years later, after learning almost nothing, and earning a small financial cushion of $50,000, I applied for a job in New Zealand as an acoustic Engineer. I got accepted and started working there. The environment was entirely different; instead of being forgotten in a corner of a cubical for weeks on end, I was micromanaged to an insane level. Every 5 minutes of my time had to be accounted for, including bathroom breaks. I fell behind almost as soon as I started; I wasn't good at report writing and struggled learning the software. This problem compounded overtime and was worsened by having a very intimidating boss. Less than 6 months later, I quit.

Why am I telling you this? Well, I want to get off my chest, my two main fears I have about the real world that has been instilled in me from these two experiences:
1) UNSW gave me an extremely strong fear of losing huge chunks of my life and motivation to work routine. I should have left that job in the first 6 months, but I persisted, not out of bravery, but because I had lost the motivation to pursue anything else. The lack of motivation didn't stop at the office, it dragged itself into aspects of my personal life as well. Every tutorial I made in those two years were never used - it really was a complete waste of time.
2) AECOM increased my insecurities about my own intelligence. I've had this insecurity since I was a kid, but it was magnified 10 fold while working for AECOM. I still honestly think my inability to succeed at AECOM can almost entirely be boiled down to me not being smart enough.

And so there we have it. The two main reasons I desperately don't want to enter the real world are because; 1) I'm afraid i'll waste several years of my life, and 2) I'm afraid that I simply won't be smart enough to do the job.